This summer has been a series of emotional ups and downs.
From the beginning of June, when my internship ended, to, well, now, I have
been in a continuous state of limbo as far as what my life this upcoming year
will be like, and whether the dreams and plans I have for my life will, down
the road, be possible. It’s been very uncomfortable, and stressful. But I’ve
been learning.
At the end of my senior year of college, my acting teacher
Mark Lewis gave me some great advice—to allow myself to slow down. To do
something meaningful, of course. But to take the time to figure out where I was
meant to be, and what I should be doing. In his words: “You should be able to
wake up in the morning and say, ‘I think I’ll have a cup of tea today.’ And do
it.” I started crying when he said those words. And that told me something very
important about myself—that I needed to follow his advice and give myself some
breathing room apart from the non-stop world of college.
I did a theater internship part time, and to make some money
I worked as a nanny. I was blessed to have two great families and four
incredible children to nanny. And as I worked at both these “filler” jobs—an
internship that didn’t pay me and as a nanny with no benefits—I began to have
my first doubts about the way we, as Christians, use the word “calling.” If you
had asked me a year ago what my calling was, I probably would have said that it
was to be an acting teacher. But as the year went on and I opened my heart to
the children I spend time with every week, I started to question the use of
that word.
By referring to our careers as our “callings,” I think we
misinterpret the real meaning of God’s calling in our lives. As I spent time
with Ruby and Miles and Zane and Andrew, the children I have gotten to know and
love, I recognized that my career will not be as their nanny. But I am
convinced that my “calling,” during the time that I watch them, is to be their
nanny. I have come to believe that our calling is not our dream career, or even
the career that best uses our talents and skills. Our calling is to be doing
whatever it is we are doing right now, in this moment as we are breathing and
thinking and loving. Our calling is to serve God through our actions, and to
become more like him, whatever we are doing.
As I grew more and more sure of this, and as my internship
ended and I was faced with the fact that I was still nannying, but was no
longer working for a theater, my eyes began to open to the way I think about
myself, and the things I have to do to get approval. My goal is to be an acting
teacher. That will not change. God has given me the skills and the training to
be an acting teacher, and I intend to pursue those opportunities. But while I
waited, and waited, and waited for
schools to respond to me, and things to happen, I got to see a pretty clear
glimpse of what I think is important. What I really think, when it comes down to it—not what I say I
think, or think I think. And it shocked me how many of my decisions are based
on the way I think people think of me, or things that I think people think I
should have or do. (See. It’s so messed up it’s even hard to understand
grammatically.)
Things like living at home, or driving a beater car, or
being on my parents’ health insurance. Or being a nanny. Feeling like I had to
apologize every time I told someone what I did for a living, or add a long
story about what I really want to do.
And I had to ask myself when we as a culture began to decide which jobs you
have to apologize for, and which ones you don’t. When did it stop being about
the fact that I am a really good nanny, and the children I watch are being
served by my efforts?
I don’t want to get on a soapbox. Trust me, I know what it’s
like to get a college degree and be frustrated about not using it like I
envisioned. But the point is, whatever we’re doing, if we’re doing it well, we are using that degree. We 20-somethings have been
trained to look ahead and push forward, and we’ve also been told that we can do
whatever we want. I don’t know whether we were also told that we can do it
immediately, but we definitely act like we should. And I’m just not sure
that—especially as Christians—we should be ashamed of the “filler” jobs most of
us have to do while we chart our career paths.
~Ruthie
